D’ya hear yer man

Some people say Weightwatchers is a great way to lose weight. Others say Slimming World is the best way to drop a few clothes sizes. Yet more people will throw in their tuppence worth and tell you that in order to achieve your optimum physique you need a combination of diet and exercise.

I’d like to recommend a new weight loss regime that I’m currently seeking a patent for. It’s called the Public Transport.

All I ask is that you try public transport just once. I guarantee you’ll be so shocked by the cost that you’ll start walking or cycling instead.

I can’t divulge the exact science behind this revolutionary lifestyle model but I can assure you if you choose Public Transport you will lose pounds of some description.

Occasionally subscribers to Public Transport have been known to fall off the wagon and get into the car. However, the price of petrol and diesel will soon put paid to those indulgences.

Don’t get me wrong. I get a bus or a train nearly every day. I find it very relaxing, but the cost has got beyond a joke. These recent price hikes have been the straw that broke the camel’s back, which is even more infuriating given that I’d considered a camel as an alternate means of transport.

I remember on TV’s Bullseye Jim Bowen used to offer contestants their bus fare home as a booby prize. Nowadays the value of the bus ticket would probably make it a more lucrative prize than the speedboat.

For the price of a single journey on the train from Belfast to Lurgan (£6.60) you could buy a copy of this week’s Lurgan Mail, three first class stamps, a padded envelope and a commemorative Titanic fridge magnet.

What I’m suggesting is you cut out this week’s column, put it in a suitable envelope along with the commemorative Titanic fridge magnet, and post it to someone in the city of Commerce in California, where public transport is free, so they can get a laugh at our expense.

Even if they don’t understand the point you’re trying to make at least they’ll appreciate the commemorative Titanic fridge magnet.

Earbending